


All the Wrong (Or Maybe Right) Questions

by Brachylagus_fandom



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett, Naruto
Genre: 5+1 Things, Crack, Crack Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-08
Updated: 2016-10-08
Packaged: 2018-08-12 19:06:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7945747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brachylagus_fandom/pseuds/Brachylagus_fandom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five times Vimes dealt with crazy ninjas and one time it was Polly's job.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All the Wrong (Or Maybe Right) Questions

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Yrindor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yrindor/gifts).



> This is what happens when I think of Discworld's magic system (where belief determines what you can do) and Naruto together as well as Vimes dealing with crazy people. So yeah, unrepentant crack.

"Why did you think it was a good idea to peep on a women's bathhouse?" Vimes asked, hoping desperately that Angua would not come in within the next five minutes.

"It was for research!" the white-haired man protested.

"For what?"

"My books! Besides, who can't appreciate a good pair of knockers-" the man was cut off as a blond girl punched him into the wall.

"Excuse us," she said calmly, dragging the man out by the ear.

"Where did you learn to punch like that?"

"Chakra and lots of practice" was her distant reply as she removed herself and the man from the city.

***

"Why did you cover the Temple of Small Gods in paint?" Vimes asked the young blond boy in front of him, whose innocent act was ruined by a slightly maniacal grin.

"Cause it was awesome!"

"Tell that to the priests," Vimes mumbled under his breath. The very colorful worshippers were starting to glare at him. "Where are your parents?" The boy's smile dropped, and he scuffed his feet.

"I don't have any. But I'm too awesome to need one! I can deal with the mean people all by myself! I'm going to become the best Hokage ever so they'll have to recognize me, believe it!" Vimes, remembering a vague lecture on how belief worked, blanched. If the kid really believed he would be Hokage (whatever that was), he probably would.

***

"Sir, are you looking for someone?" Vimes asked the man in a bright green jumpsuit who appeared to be intensely examining each and every crack in the Watch Headquarters.

"MY MOST YOUTHFUL RIVAL! A MOST ESTEEMED MAN BURNING WITH THE FLAMES OF YOUTH IS WILLING TO AID OUR INVESTIGATION! WE MUST PROCEED AT ONCE!" He shouted. Vimes winced before trying to defuse the situation.

"You still haven't told me who you're looking for. We don't even know if they're in the city," he protested as two other men, one masked with silver hair and the other with brown hair, walked up to them.

"RIDICULOUS! IF WE DO NOT FIND ITACHI HERE, I WILL WALK AROUND THIS VILLAGE BACKWARDS ON MY HANDS A HUNDRED TIMES!"

"That seems a bit excessive," Angua commented.

"Not for Gai," the brown-haired man cut in. " We are hunting down Itachi Uchiha, a trained assassin."

"Then why aren't you checking the Assassin's Guild?" Carrot asked.

"You have an _assassin's_ guild? Why?"

"It keeps murder rates and contract prices down. Take a left past Unseen University, it's the fourth building on the right."

"Thank you."

***

"Why is one of your wards attacking the city?" Vimes asked deceptively calmly.

"Gaara got loose?" The man asked, all color draining from his face before he ran in the direction of screams.

"Temari, I thought you were watching him!" The boy, who had on a full face of paint, yelled.

"I thought _you_ were watching him, Kankuro!" The girl (presumably Temari) protested.

"Why would _I_ be watching him?"

"Because my turn was last week!"

"It's _always_ your turn!"

"Why?"

"Because I say so!" The bickering siblings started to fight as Vimes walked back towards the scene of the rampage.

***

"Why were you trying to answer Ankh-Morpork without permission?" Vimes asked as calmly as possible. Today was one of the few that made his job almost seem not worth all the effort, blood, sweat, and tears he put into it. The latest batch of crazies had come through the tunnels and greatly annoyed the dwarves; Carrot, thankfully, was dealing with that mess so he was just stuck with the actual perpetrators.

The tallest one, _blue_ -skinned (that was a new one) and with a massive sword forcibly removed from his back, scowled, while his younger black-haired companion shifted uncomfortably. The last of the three they had caught, whose face was covered with an orange mask, cheerfully tried to escape and murder Vimes. Fortunately, that tactic didn't work so well when a person with deadly sharp reflexes was directly behind you. "I'm afraid that any assassinations on my life are unlicensed, so you have also gone against the Assassin Guild's Rules and Guidelines, which enables them to put a contract on your head without notice for AM$10,000," Vimes said calmly as Angua wrenched off the orange mask and handcuffed the attacker.

"You have an Assassin's guild?" the black-haired one asked while looking at his relatively normal-looking (besides a plethora of scars grouped only on his right side) companion as if the appearance he was trying to hide was vaguely familiar.

"Yes, four blocks past Unseen University, but that's beside the point," Angua said. "Now, if you follow me, you will see one of Ankh-Morpork's attractions - the gates. If not, you will discover that the river is not solid enough to hold your weight."

***

"Why do you think you can beat the Borogravian military forces?" Polly asked the three teenagers in front of her. The girl, at least, had the decency to look abashed.

"Fate dictates that I will win," the boy with long hair replied cooly.

"NOT GIVING UP WHILE FACING LIKELY DEFEAT IS A SIGN OF YOUTHFUL SPIRIT!" the other boy, dressed in green and with a bowl haircut, yelled. Polly was suddenly reminded of a very strange story a very drunk Sam Vimes had told her.

"First of all, considering that you are surrounded and being held at bayonet point, it's safe to say you've lost. Second, where's your teacher?"

"We don't know," the girl explained. "He does this, sometimes. He'll be back in a day or two."

"You are staying here until he arrives and can explain your actions," Polly ordered.

"Fate demands that you release us to let us go back to our mission," the long-haired boy protested.

"Fate doesn't really do much of anything," Wazzer said somewhat dazedly. Polly just hoped that she wouldn't randomly start embodying the Duchess in the next five minutes. "It isn't even a small god. The only way to make something happen is to do it yourself. Trusting in something that doesn't exist will just leave you with nowhere to stand." The long-haired boy blinked, opened his mouth, paused, and blinked again.

"Small gods?" he asked. Polly sighed; religion, especially how it worked in Discworld, was _so_ not something she enjoyed.

"Gods that lack many believers," Polly explained. "Here, everything runs on belief, but it's complicated. Really complicated." He was still staring at the wall, dumbstruck. The girl bit back a laugh.

"I think you might have beaten some sense into his head," she commented. "I'm Tenten, by the way. That's Neji, and Lee is the one in green. Is there a place for us to sleep?"


End file.
